I read a poignant article about a woman who lost nearly half her body weight but not all her troubles. She had bariatric surgery, and believed, as her surgeon insisted, that life would be so much easier after she got want she thought she really wanted– a skinny body. But she found that the insecurities did not fall off with the weight.
A lot of us are like this. We think when we get that one problem dealt with, we will finally be happy.
Once we have finally attain the right “X”. Substitute for X: partner, job, weight, place to live.
Wherever you go, there you are. You, with the same imperfections, strengths, and history you had before. You can run but you can’t hide, and when you get “there”, the common denominator between you and comfort arrives with you.
Some years ago, I saw author and Harvard professor Dan Gilbert lecture at Oregon State University about his research on happiness. You can hear some of his ideas at this Ted talk link. Think you know what will make you happy? Dr. Gilbert’s findings suggest you are wrong. He found that many people overestimate what circumstances will lead them to that golden joy, as well as those that will make them miserable. The good news: Most of us are far more resilient than we believe. 75% of us will recover, or at least be OK, two years after something we assume will ruin us. “We are not the fragile field of flowers we believe ourselves to be,” Gilbert says. Conversely, we are also not going to be saved by that X factor we think is between us and our ultimate happiness. People routinely overpredict what will make them happy in the future. Whether it’s graduation, a new job, new car or new sweetheart, after an initial high we’ll be pretty close to where we were to begin with, happiness wise.
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| the constant, changing moon brings me ridiculous joy |
So, what does make us happy?
Gilbert noted a few things. Experiences, not stuff bring more lasting pleasure. We will remember and cherish that trip to a new and beautiful place more than that new piece of bling. And bling connected to relationship will always be more meaningful than just bling bought, because of the memories brought with it. People are happiest when they are engaged, not passive recipients of objects or experiences. In one replicated study, people given $20 were divided into two groups. One was told to spend it on something enjoyable for themselves, and one told to spend it making someone else happy. Guess which one reported more and longer lasting satisfaction with the experience?
And it’s frequency, not intensity, that’s the best predictor of overall life satisfaction. Small and common joys trump far-apart epiphanies. A sense of meaning and community also make a huge difference. For a great overview of happiness research presented in an intriguing and digestible format, watch the wonderful documentary “Happy”.
Author Tom Robbins has a quote: “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.” I’m not sure about that, but it’s never too late to figure out how to bring more satisfaction to those hours you have left on Earth. Don’t put it off.
Jana Svoboda, LBCC Advising Center
Image by storyset on Freepik
