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We have a hard time making the changes we want in our lives. This title may sound like a puzzler. But a big reason we can have a hard time changing is because there’s a baby in the bathwater. In other words, many of the harmful things we do have a positive intention or a pleasurable immediate effect. But doing them, or their aftereffects, get us in trouble: for example, using substances or binge shopping to help us relax.We avoid something because it makes us anxious. Wanting to be less anxious is a reasonable intention. But when we have it hanging over our heads, we get guilt, shame, sometimes increased costs and troubles– and in the end, more anxiety. Identifying what we give up by changing, whether it’s momentary anxiety or future unknowns, can help us address resistance factually or by developing new skills.
Many persons struggling with obesity don’t fully recognize their intentions of holding onto excess weight. Getting to a healthier weight can be about more than giving up the easy comfort and quick dopamine hits of certain foods. It may mean facing sexual attention, dealing with anxiety around intimacy, or losing an excuse for avoiding life changes put off until that extra weight is gone.
Similarly, most things we say we want entail not only gains, but losses. Sometimes the loss is just predictability. Sometimes it is a quick escape from a bad feeling. Figure out what your resistance wants, and see if you can find a healthy way to replace the intention without the troublesome behavior.
