Cover Image by pikisuperstar on Freepik
Quick– how many people did you talk to this week outside of your home or workplace?
By talk, I mean a real conversation, in the actual presence of the other person. Not via bytes; in person. If you’re an average American, that number is likely much smaller than what it was in previous decades.
Although we may feel more connected via our tweets, apps, and friends lists, we are increasingly isolated in the 3D world. We order in instead of eating out. We consume our entertainment at home and attend fewer plays, concerts, and movies. We’re less likely to go to church, or for that matter join or belong to any group. We have fewer deep friendships– down a full third in a generation. And because our society is more mobile, most of us live further away from family and childhood friends. The people we see are less likely to have known us through more than one or two developmental phases of our lives.
The average Facebook user has about 338 “friends”; the Insta user 150 followers. We may “know” a lot of people, but those connections are shallower. Who do you call when you’re sick and need some groceries? When your car breaks down and you need a lift? When you don’t know how to program your remote, or make a pie crust? Before the internet, we might have asked a friend. Now we Google it or hire out. What do we lose when we lose those connections?
Loneliness has significant negative effects. A famous longitudinal Harvard study found the health risks of loneliness as dangerous as smoking. Perhaps streaming services and laptops should carry a warning similar to cigarette packs: “Socializing with Friends Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health”.
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| isolation is for the birds. |
This isn’t new information. If you’ve taken a psychology class, you’ve heard about the studies of institutionalized orphans and psychosocial dwarfism, or seen the heartbreaking pictures of Harlowe’s baby monkeys clasping their warm, milkless terry-cloth “moms”, preferring skin contact over food. Maybe you’ve seen the heartbreaking video of the “still mother” experiment. We are social animals. We are hardwired to love and be loved, to touch and be touched, to nurture and be nurtured.
It’s easier for kids to make connections. (On average. All of this is on average. As they say, individual performance will vary.) Watch them at a playground. One will go up to another, quick as you please if their parents haven’t put too much Stranger Danger in them, and say, “Wanna play?” or even, “Wanna be my friend?” Pre-pandemic and pre-zoom, adults in school or work still found it pretty easy to meet others. Familiarity breeds ease, and friends of friends add to connections.
But for lots of adults finding friends isn’t nearly as easy anymore. Especially if you’re new(er) to town, transitioning out of a love relationship, etc. Many report that even when they reach out, they find others’ lives too busy to accommodate the time and interest of a new friendship.
But mostly we don’t reach out much. We don’t just walk into a coffee shop and ask someone to be friends. Because we have the opportunity for so few casual conversations, we forget how. We get anxious.
You know the usual ways to meet new people. Join a group: religious, civic, or avocational. Take a class or take up a hobby and look for others who share it. Go to a lecture, audition for a play, or take part in a reading group. Get out and meet your neighbors. Host a potluck. Check out Meetup or other real-time social connection sites. Read the Commuter, the bulletin boards at the library or coop, or check out the events listings online.
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| find your tribe |
Most importantly, be curious when you meet people. Worry less about what they think about you and more about who they are. Ask questions. Take reasonable risks to engage. Initiate.
Friendships are like gardens; they need tending, especially when young. I hope you have a couple of friends you’ve known forever, the kind where if you don’t talk or see each other for months, it’s still good. But those friendships didn’t start out with that degree of infrequency. To get comfortable, to get to know another, takes time and energy. It’s worth it. You’re worth it.
And WE’RE worth it. Isolation increases the feelings of division that are causing real trouble in the US. Time with others builds connection, community and empathy. We really need that right now.
Quote for the day: “Let there be such oneness between us, that when one cries, the other tastes salt.” (author unknown)Song of the Day: Hello in There (John Prine)