Horrorscopes

A freaky forecast for your Halloween misadventures

1) Aries-March 21 to April 19

Patience will come in handy this month, as the Warlock stalks your locks. Your keys will go missing, and locks will change to plastic. To avoid an angry landlord, pricey locksmith, and a nervous breakdown, cast some fart-tastic magic of your own and crop dust your doors. Warlocks will be thrown off from the smell of the metals they are searching for.

2) Taurus April 20-May 21

Your morning starts out innocently enough, with a sniffle and a lil Zoolander cough. Once in class, you’ll realize there is something much more sinister going on. Demon Gremlins known as Flemlins will come skittering out of your nose after a hellish sneeze. They’ll attack the community and multiply in the blink of an eye, leaving your classmates and poor professor drowning in a sea of their gooey drippings! Plug it up with a wad of cotton candy  to rid your nose of this viral horror.

3) Gemini May 21 to June 21

There is more to your dual personality when it meets the eye. Your friends start saying you’ve been acting out of character; your street cred and your face is on the news along with a police warrant. Doppelgangers will screw your life over, and smash your future hopes and dreams. Catch your evil twin before the police catch the wrong you!

4) Cancer June 21 to July 22

School is back in session; words are dancing across the keyboard like a flash mob.

Hours into an assignment, the Glitch Witch crashes your technology. You’ll be cursing more than the Glitch Bitch, while she’s cracking up in cyberspace. Saving your work doesn’t always rid the Glitch Witch. Old fashioned handwriting will suffice, along with framing every page in barbed wire.

5) Leo July 23 and August 22

Avoid the SLC today, as the zombies that staff it are feeling particularly hungry this week. Of course, if you work in the SLC, you’re safe, and probably can’t read this anymore, anyways.

6) Virgo August 23 to September 22

Party animals do more than twerking for the weekend! Beware of hosting a house party; guests may look innocent enough until they shapeshift into evil beasts and wreck the scene as well as your security deposit. Keep the party outside and have a mini mountain pile of cat food. Scappin beast will skitter over to scarf.

7) Libra September 23 to October 22

Your new BF or GF may be smokin’ hot, but they may be hiding an out of this world secret. If “hey” turns into “Bae” beware of their true soul sucking Bae-lien form. Don’t be gullible and think it’s cute, instead splurge for a Bae-dar detector before your turn into alien goo.

8) Scorpio October 23 to November 21

You go to the bar for a cold brewski, when you’re suddenly interrupted with a “WOOOOOOOH!” These Scream Queen’s true form are horrid, slobbering beasts called WoohWolves. The transformation from from their cheers to your fears is  “Put a cork in it!” Axe spray and a silver coin will rid this beast before you get your ass woohped.

9) Sagittarius November 22-December 21

You may not love pranks if you become the one getting pranked; Prankenstien is on the loose and full of obnoxious tricks. It starts innocently enough, Saran Wrap on your toilet seat, replacing birth control pills with pez, then next thing you know there’s Flakka instead of sugar in your coffee. Before Prankenstien gets the best of you, booby trap your lifestyle.

10) Capricorn December 22nd to January 19

You may be a college kid now, but your heart still belongs to your childhood teddy bear. It’s all bear hugs and sunshine until the killer spirit of Teddy Krueger unleashes hell in your nightmares. Make a daisy chain for your childhood friend, and make him a cute little cage surrounded by pictures of Carmen Electra. He won’t leave his happy place to murder you in your dreams.

11) Aquarius January 20th to February 18

Be weary of the “cool kids” this month, and for good reason. Ears start to bleed from a high-pitched noise, your eyes start to bulge, and your heart skips a trap beat. You’ve gone hipster crazy! Too cool for school, these humanoids will infect you with endlessly repeating MGMT songs and suck the sanity right out of your brain. Switch out your messenger bag for a Walmart backpack, and the hipster infection will stay far away.

12) Pisces February 19th to March 20

On nightly strolls you begin to notice oddly sinister, crisp clouds of vapor popping in and out through the crisp air into your reality. Vapeshifters are breathtaking humanoid drifters. Vapes at first seem sent from a heavenly dimension, then swiftly shift to soul-less sinister beings with evil intentions. Freestyle a Vape-saber made with Lithium Batteries, then battle to save your lungs and soul.