horoscopes

Horoscopes: It’s time for Finals!

horoscopesGemini: May 21- June 21
The finals are here! Yes, they have come with many warnings, and are at the door! Luckily, by much arguing with yourself, you have been studying long and hard for these pesky finals.

Cancer: June 22- July 22
Summer is just around the corner, and finals are catching up to you. Luckily, you know Scorpio has Extreme Study Skills. You will wonder why Scorpio has hands over their ears, but then again, you might also wonder about butterfly nets.

Leo: July 23- Aug. 22
Ah, the glorious days before summer. Scrambling for study notes, freaking out by not finding your pencil, which you swear was in there yesterday, sprinting to that class room at the other end of the whole entire campus… Oh the joy of the nice sunny weather!

Virgo: Aug. 23- Sept. 22
You are memorizing all the plant names. Yes, all of them, and in Latin too. You may end up speaking only Latin Plant Names for the entire day, but it will be worth acing that plant-naming final!

Libra: Sept. 23- Oct. 22
You have been saved from the clown! Now, you are studying for your extremely over-the-top calculus class. All the many numbers, formulas, and equations with numbers, letters, and those weird symbol-things! Good luck, Libra.

Scorpio: Oct. 23- Nov. 21
You have used your Extreme Study Skills of Extremely Studying to the max! Yes, your head is now stuffed with information. Trying to keep it in there for your class? Try covering your ears, supposedly information can leak out of them.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22- Dec. 21
Instead of playing with bows and arrows, you have decided to understand your study guide by asking Scorpio. You did not realize it would involve keeping Leo away from a clown in a tiny go-cart. At least you might understand quantum physics — okay, you will never truly understand quantum physics, but it was worth a try, right?

Capricorn: Dec. 22- Jan. 19
You have made a huge mistake! You only have the study guide for the other final for tomorrow, instead of today’s! Run, run to the printing machines as fast as you can!

Aquarius: Jan. 20- Feb. 18
You have studied, you know the answers, and when the finals came, you knew exactly where they were. Aren’t you lucky? Today, you may feel far better than the other person running after papers with a butterfly net.

Pisces: Feb.19- March 20
Oh no! Those paper monsters have caught up to you! You really do need to learn scheduling tips. The finals have come- and you’re definitely not ready.

Aries: March 21- April 19
You tripped on a bunch of papers. Your study guide is now flying into the wind. Steal Capricorn’s butterfly net and catch them before they race off to the fountain!

Taurus: April 20- May 20
You have learned how to speed study. Yes, a vital gift this speed studying, and you have been lucky to be gifted it. Good thing, that final you thought was tomorrow is actually today.

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Horoscopes: The Lemon People are Helping.

Taurus: April 20- May 20
You were saved by lemons! Thankfully those Lemon People are always willing to lend a hand! Too bad the sun has gone into hiding this week. Hopefully, you’ll be able to stay- Zzzz.

Gemini: May 21- June 21
You met Lemon, the person, who happened to lose the new CD about the History of All Crayons from Orange-Blue To Brown-Grey. Odd, but you do need a historian to help you with the next test coming up. If only you could remember which century.

Cancer: June 22- July 22
You have met a Sumo Wrestler. Yes, the real deal, and you decided to see how well Sumo Wrestlers could box. Too bad, you didn’t realize you’d be the challenger.

Leo: July 23- Aug. 22
You decided to try to bungee-jump. You weren’t counting on the gorilla, but you weren’t expecting to learn in the zoo. Perhaps, you’re overly cheerfulness will help you, that is if there is no bananas.

Virgo: Aug. 23- Sept. 22
You were saved from the giant beaver! Strangely enough, you were given a lamp stand and running shoes. Figuring out why there are odd gifts given will be less entertaining than figuring out the differences in the two odd cacti in the Greenhouse.

Libra: Sept. 23- Oct. 22
You went to study for your test in the Learning Center. A clown happened to cycle in, you are terrified of clowns. Maybe, you can whisper to Scorpio to help you out.

Scorpio: October 23- November 21
Today you will feel like studying, to the extreme. Hopefully, somebody, somewhere is causing mischief. For now, you’ll be in the mists of the Learning Center, and wondering why Libra is hiding behind a counter.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22- Dec. 21
Today you will feel the need to be cleanly. Of course, this could have something to do with the odd amount of birds in the trees. Nah, you just have this need to clean. Yes, that must be it.

Capricorn: Dec. 22- Jan. 19
You have cunningly trapped the giant beaver. Turns out you need a permit to trap beavers. Sadly, you had to let the giant beaver go. Maybe you’ll get him next time.

Aquarius: Jan. 20- Feb. 18
Oh no! Bonnie, your favorite beaver in the whole wide world, has escaped! You’ve been looking for her for hours. Sadly, you only found whoopee cushions.

Pisces: Feb. 19- March 20
Your Doctor just told you about a new disease, Yellow. It is spreading through the nations, taking out millions with its beams of pure happy yellowness. The Yellow is coming, and it will find us all.

Aries: March 21- April 19
You heard a weird noise, and suddenly Doctor Who saved you from falling from the hot air balloon. The Timey-Whimey is broken, if only you found enough Red. What Red? No idea, apparently the future needs it, whatever Red is.

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Horoscopes: May 5, 2014

Taurus: April 20- May 20
You were saved, by lemons! Thankfully those Lemon People are always willing to lend a hand! Too bad the sun has gone into hiding this week. Hopefully, you’ll be able to stay- Zzzz.

Gemini: May 21- June 21
You met Lemon, the person, who happened to lose the new CD about the History of All Crayons from Orange-Blue To Brown-Grey. Odd, but you do need a historian to help you with the next test coming up. If only you could remember which Century.

Cancer: June 22- July 22
You have met a Sumo Wrestler. Yes, the real deal, and you decided to see how well Sumo Wrestlers could box. Too bad, you didn’t realize you’d be the challenger.

Leo: July 23- August 22
You decided to try to bungee-jump. You weren’t counting the gorilla, but you weren’t expecting to learn in the zoo. Perhaps, you’re overly cheerfulness will help you, that is if there is no bananas.

Virgo: August 23- September 22
You were saved from the giant Beaver! Strangely enough, you were given a lamp stand and running shoes. Figuring out why there are odd gifts given will be less entertaining than figuring out the differences in the two odd cacti in the Greenhouse.

Libra: September 23- October 22
You went to study for your test in the Learning Center. A clown happened to cycle in- you are terrified of clowns. Maybe, you can whisper to Scorpio to help you out.

Scorpio: October 23- November 21
Today you will feel like studying, to the extreme. Hopefully, somebody, somewhere, is causing mischief. For now, you’ll be in the mists of the Learning Center, and wondering why Libra is hiding behind a counter.

Sagittarius: November 22- December 21
Today you will feel the need to be cleanly. Of course, this could have something to do with the odd amount of birds in the trees. Nah, you just have this need to clean. Yes, that must be it.

Capricorn: December 22- January 19
You have cunningly trapped the giant Beaver. Turns out you need a permit to trap beavers. Sadly, you had to let the giant beaver go. Maybe you’ll get him next time.

Aquarius: January 20- February 18
Oh no! Bonnie, your favorite beaver in the whole wide world, has escaped! You’ve been looking for her for hours. Sadly, you only found whoopee cushions.

Pisces: February 19- March 20
Your Doctor just told you about a new disease: Yellow. It is spreading through the nations, taking out millions with its beams of pure happy yellowness. The Yellow is coming, and it will find us all.

Aries: March 21- April 19
You heard a weird noise, and suddenly Doctor Who saved you from falling from the Hot Air Balloon. The Timey-Whimey is broken, if only you found enough Red. What Red? No idea, apparently the future needs it- whatever Red is.

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Horoscopes: April 28 – May 4

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Taurus: April 20- May 20
Today you decided to wonder why anyone would leave a jetpack lying around. You decided to turn it into the Lost and Found, you never expected it to turn on. Oh look, Aries is waving at you!

Gemini: May 21- June 21
Capricorn took your rabbit away! Asking Cancer for advice may be your only option to get your rabbit back. Goals will always make the decision process easier, unless it’s not right, or is it?

Cancer: June 22- July 22
You have been asked for advice. Now, what type of advice will you give? Your shenanigans will be needed, or not, or they will, or not, or will- Gemini is rubbing off on you! Do enjoy talking to your subconscious.

Leo: July 23- August 22
You are excited! You get to help with Diversity Day, good for you! You may wonder why Capricorn is trying to hide a rabbit under his jacket, but then again there are other things to wonder about. How did Aries get in that Hot Air Balloon?

Virgo: August 23- September 22
You are working with plants today. Suddenly you notice a strange creature in the distance. Should you: a) poke it with a stick? B) Back away slowly? C) Take pictures?

Libra: September 23- October 22
You were going to talk to Gemini, when you heard a weird noise in the Greenhouse. You have a feeling you want to investigate, but should you take the energy ball with you? Random noises will startle you during this week.

Scorpio: October 23- November 21
You didn’t do anything, no; really, it’s for real this time. How the Hot Air Balloon disappeared- you have no idea. You did notice a strange glow near the Greenhouse, but you decided to actually study for that mid-test.

Sagittarius: November 22- December 21
After buying a present, you noticed the college seems to be full of energy today. You do want to know, you really do, but you promised to help Scorpio study for a mid-test. Aquarius asked to use your crossbow, isn’t that weird?

Capricorn: December 22- January 19
You must hide the rabbit at all costs! Yes, the scary rabbit will now be put out of your mind. Now, what is the giant creature doing with Virgo and Libra? Oh dear, first scary rabbits, next scary monsters- this is not your day.

Aquarius: January 20- February 18
Getting Cancer back was harder than you realized. Sadly, poor Aries ended up getting stranded in a Hot Air Balloon instead. You should really get back to those thank-you letters, but then again should you really leave Aries stranded up there?

Pisces: February 19- March 20
You found out what the creature was! Sadly, you now need a monster detector. Who would have thought chemistry could actually have monsters involved?

Aries: March 21- April 19
Honest- you have no idea how you ended up in a Hot Air Balloon. Really, how did you get there? If you ever get down, then do remember how much you love land.

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Horoscopes: April 23 – 30

Taurus: April 20 – May 20
This is your week. Yes, a week completely made especially for you. Go ahead, take a break, relax, and be spontaneous! It’s your week, go for it!

Gemini: May 21 – June 21
Those troublesome decisions, pesky aren’t they? The Winged-Rabbit has decided you are its owner. This means less walking to class, but then again, are rabbits allowed to carry you to class?

Cancer: June 22 – July 22
You have a whole new box of shenanigans! Today will be a tough day for you, Cancer. Your major problem question will be: Who to prank first?

Leo: July 23 – August 22
You have decided to run today. It wasn’t because Cancer was laughing evilly over a box. Nah, you just wanted to run cheerfully. Before running, slowly move backwards. Hopefully Cancer won’t notice you.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22
Apple Trees are taking too long of a wait, so you decided to ask Scorpio for advice. You have learned two important lessons today: 1. Scorpio does not know anything about plants 2. There is an app available on your phone. Lessons are worth learning, right?

Libra: September 23 – October 22
You have decided to use the giant scales. Now in which basket do you put the telescope, and the new ball of hyper-energy you found near a math help desk? Hmm … maybe you should ask Gemini.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
Somehow, you blew up the Apple Tree. You don’t know how that happened, all you did was try to water it some more. Luckily Virgo is very forgiving. Unluckily, you saw Cancer team up with Taurus. They spotted you. Run right now, and don’t look back.

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
You were visiting the Greenhouse, when Scorpio ran past you. Taurus and Cancer ran past, waving giant bags in the air, and for some odd reason Virgo carried out the burnt pieces of an Apple Tree. Today will feel weird to you.

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
You were unable to catch the giant rabbit. Luckily you spotted another rabbit carrying … Gemini? Better grab that butterfly net. It looks like you’ll need to find wings too. Those scary rabbits!

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
You have been writing thank-you notes for all the gifts you received. Sadly, you did not pay attention, and water was dumped over your head. Cancer is at it again, but this time you were prepared!

Pisces: February 19 – March 20
Luckily, not a lot of the eggs hatched! Yes, the Professor was worried, but it was okay! Although, you still can’t figure out what was in the giant egg that hatched … perhaps it was friendly?

Aries: March 21 – April 19
You have not tripped today! Distracted by Aquarius running after Cancer and Taurus, you have not fallen down the steps. Should you be worried? No, there are far bigger things to be worried about, like where Capricorn got a jet-pack.

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Horoscopes: March 11-17

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Pisces: February 19- March 20
You got to help Taurus by passing out green candy, by using a t-shirt cannon. You see a very angry Irish guy complaining about a lost hat. This week will be fun for you!

Aries: March 21- April 19
You tripped…over a pot of gold! Your clumsiness now has become good luck. St. Patrick’s Day will be extremely lucky for you.

Taurus: April 20- May 20
Working in the parade wasn’t too bad, until Scorpio and Cancer kept popping in and out of nowhere! Where did that leprechaun even come from? You will be amazed by the surprises of this week.

Gemini: May 21- June 21
You have spotted the lucky Triple Rainbow! Good for you! Maybe you can spot a four-leafed clover next, or not, it could be possible, or not, or maybe…

Cancer: June 22- July 22
You have spotted an actual leprechaun! You only need to catch him for the gold, right? Good luck to you Cancer.

Leo: July 23- August 22
Another holiday coming around? You decide to make a parade out of it, and made Taurus help you. Carrying a giant banner helps if you ride on the giant four-leafed clover shaped float.

Virgo: August 23- September 2
You have found a garden of four-leafed clovers. Yes, each and every one of them has four heart-shaped leaves. The Luck of the Vegetable Gardening will be with you.

Libra: September 23- October 22
You looked out and noticed a Triple Rainbow. You always did want to see what was on the other side of the Rainbow. You will be adventurous this week.

Scorpio: October 23- November 21
Cancer is chasing a leprechaun. You always did want to see a pot of gold, and chasing is fun, right? Teleportation will be helpful for you this week.

Sagittarius: November 22- December 21
You found a green hat on the ground. You tried it on and transformed into a leprechaun. Getting chased means you can get better exercise, right?

Capricorn: December 22- January 19
You wear green, even your skin and hair are now green. May the Luck of the Irish stay with you for the last finals! The staring won’t bother you, you’ll know you’re going to do well on that final!

Aquarius: January 20- February 18
You don’t understand why everyone is wearing green. Is this some odd trend going on? Noticing Aries carrying off a pot of gold will leave you confused for the week.

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Horoscopes (March 3-9)

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Pisces: February 19- March 20
You have finally figured out the math! Now, if only you can remember all the formulas for the test. Memory may become a problem.

Aries: March 21- April 19
Your clumsiness may save your life today! Dodging is now your new skill! Taurus may want to learn it as well.

Taurus: April 20- May 20
You have your review paper out and was about to study when you saw Cancer. Is that a water balloon? You may want to run.

Gemini: May 21- June 21
The finals are right around the corner, literally. Now, if only you remembered if you studied or not. Oh no, did you forget your review paper?

Cancer: June 22- July 22
You have leftover balloons. You decided to play a water fight, and your first victim is already waiting for you. Today may provide entertainment.

Leo: July 23- August 22
Great job, Leo! You aced your final! Try to avoid getting tackled by Libra.

Virgo: August 23- September 2
Yes, you have succeeded in planting a new garden! Good for you! Now, if only you could figure out where your review paper went.

Libra: September 23- October 22
The finals are here. You have lost all your paperwork! Luckily for you, Leo has copies.

Scorpio: October 23- November 21
You were doing a perfectly good job on your final, and then you sneezed. You can’t figure out why you’re stuck in Japan.

Sagittarius: November 22- December 21
With all the papers flying around, you can’t figure out which one is yours. Good luck, Sagittarius. You’ll need it.

Capricorn: December 22- January 19
You turned on a fan, sadly you set the knob to the wrong way. Papers are now flying everywhere.

Aquarius: January 20- February 18
You have aced your finals and decided to help others. The hurricane of papers may seem shocking, but then again, you did see a catapult. Tutoring others might work for you.

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Horoscopes (Feb. 26 – March 4)

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Pisces: Feb. 19- March 20
A challenge shall be given to you this week. You have accepted. Remember to bring the giant net for the glowing monkeys, which can now fly.

Aries: March 21- April 19
You have been gifted a joke book! Getting the most laughs will amuse you, especially if they actually do roll on the ground and laugh.

Taurus: April 20- May 20
Sad day, you have been discouraged. To deal with your sadness go watch Pisces. Watching someone catching flying radio-active monkeys may cheer you up.

Gemini: May 21- June 21
You heard Aries jokes… Should you tell Aries the joke book was from the 70’s? Of course not, instead, simply stare into space; Aries might get it…maybe…possibly…

Cancer: June 22- July 22
This week you are allowed to troll as many people as possible. You may want to enlist Scorpio into helping you. Have fun!

Leo: July 23- Aug. 22
Poor Leo! You have just been trolled by Cancer! Please stand in line behind all the other victims, your number is: 1,256, thank-you for waiting!

Virgo: Aug. 23- Sept. 22
Today, you will feel the need to be a skeptic! Question every little detail! Yes, question everything…

Libra: Sept. 23- Oct. 22
You have won! Out of the trolled victims, you Leo have won against the odds! Good for you!

Scorpio: Oct. 23- Nov. 21
You tried to mess with a person, except you sneezed and activated your teleportation powers. You will be very annoyed today. Do watch out for those pepper shakers…those dangers objects of doom…

Sagittarius: Nov. 22- Dec. 21
Praising the work of others might come easier to you. Or you might end up covered in paint. Oh no, Cancer has made paint balloons- run, now, right now, and keep going…

Capricorn: Dec. 22- Jan. 19
You can finally relax. You are not flying through the air, stuck in a tree, or running from a glowing monkey. Good day to you, Capricorn.

Aquarius: Jan. 20- Feb. 18
Today you will become serious! Yes, seriousness is now your middle name. You should be just fine hanging out with Virgo today.

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Horoscopes: Feb. 12 – Feb. 18

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Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Today is your day. Yes, this Valentine’s week has been made- yes made- just for you! Including that giant chocolate heart hiding under the table- wait, no it wasn’t just a giant chocolate heart, appears you have a secret admirer.

Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20
For some strange reason you keep tripping on these bright red cards. Hmm…wonder what those are for? Valentine’s Day might slip your mind.

Aries: March 21 – April 19
After seeing Pisces trip a dozen times over red cards, you remember that is Valentine’s Day. Good for you! Now, if only you could figure out where that giant stuffed animal came from.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20
Yes, it is Valentine’s Day. Yes, there is a gigantic box with your name on it. Now, why would it be moving?

Gemini: May 21 – June 21
Open the envelope, do not open the envelope, yet you really want to know what’s inside… Knowing it is Valentine’s Day is one thing, knowing what is in the envelope with the big red ribbon will bother you. Open it, don’t open it, open it, don’t open it…

Cancer: June 22 – July 22
What’s this? Yes, Cancer you have received a Valentine Gift! Through the air, by catapult, coming straight at you- isn’t Valentine’s Day about giving gifts to people straight at them?

Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22
You have been given the task of delivering gifts to millions! Yes, that is millions, and yes it is for Valentine’s Day. Don’t forget to bring the catapult Scorpio gave you.

Virgo: Aug.23 – Sept. 22
A new garden has been given to you for Valentine’s Day! It is made out of chocolate. Isn’t that a kind thought?

Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Oddly enough, you have been giving two choices for Valentine’s Day. Well…make that a dozen and a half if you count the store downtown, or that other one… Choices will be harder for you, just remember to watch out for flying packages.

Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
You’ve been hyped up on chocolate! Is that a chocolate fountain? You will be running about, and tackling people for chocolate, you know, since its Valentine’s Day?

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
You have been having a great time watching others! Too bad you were so focused. You might have seen that giant, red, heart-shaped box.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Sadly, you have made a mistake. Telling Leo you wanted to give your Valentine a gift right away, was not a bright idea. Yet, you do have free airfare on Valentine’s Day.

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Horoscopes (Feb. 5 – 11)

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Aquarius: January 20- February 18
You have no worries for the week. Sure, there is a giant mid-term heading your way, but you’ve got it covered. You planned well, lucky for you.

Pisces: February 19- March 20
You are trying to gather as much information as possible. Sadly, when you look at the test you automatically lose all the information you gazed at for many, long, tiring, hours. Good luck to you, Pisces.

Aries: March 21- April 19
Place up the wanted posters, call in the SWAT team! You have lost your review paper! Perhaps, it flew down the stairs where you last tripped, or near that open window or by that table whose legs you fell over, or by that other chair- the many possibilities from tripping.

Taurus: April 20- May 20
You have found a review sheet! Luckily for you, this is just the review sheet you’ve been looking for. Oddly enough, you don’t know why there are marshmallows stuck to it- such odd mysteries will await you.

Gemini: May 21- June 21
The giant book is speaking gibberish. Once more you have fallen into the Trance of Forgotten Math Functions. You will argue with yourself about whether or not to go by the Learning Center- thirty minutes later you may or may not be still arguing with yourself.

Cancer: June 22- July 22
You did not find anything new today, and only just realized that midterm was today- in an hour. Shuffle through all your papers, realize you have no idea what the review looks like and scramble off to find a classmate to tackle. You may want to put off being mischievous, for now.

Leo: July 23- August 22
Names are rambling in your head. The history test is coming soon, and you still can’t figure out which one went first. Today, you will end up saying random names, don’t worry, evidentially you’ll figure out who the Queen of England was.

Virgo: August 23- September 22
Oh, no! Your online vegetable garden died! After remembering you have an exam in a few minutes, you may forget about the utter tragedy of losing all those online pumpkins.

Libra: September 23- October 22
The scales seem to be upside down. Figuring out if the answer is correct is going to be harder than you realized. Do take the time to notice Cancer running straight at you, and try to duck for cover.

Scorpio: October 23- November 21
You figured out why the marshmallow shooter was not working. You found the second page of someone’s review paper. Certainly you don’t need it; you have found someone to bother until they help you get the answer.

Sagittarius: November 22- December 21
Your review paper has mysterious red circles on it. Whether the holes were made from the crossbow, or the pencil, is not yet justified. Luck may be needed for figuring out what any of the scribbles are.

Capricorn: December 22- January 19
You decided to ask Scorpio for advice on how to review. Somehow you ended up playing a game of shooting marshmallows at each other. Perhaps you’ll get the review done tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after the day after that.