DearConscience feature

Dear Conscience: How should we handle a catastrophic event?

How should we handle a catastrophic event?
Shoulder Devil: Ashley ChristieShoulder Angel: Jennifer M. Hartsock
What kind of catastrophic event are we talking about here?Hurricane, tornado, end-of-days flood, zombie apocalypse? All of those just sound like a good show to me. I say sit back and enjoy!There’s a good chance I caused this catastrophe. You see, I get bored easily, so on Saturday night I can either watch “Armageddon” or cause it!

You know what I love most about disasters? The widespread panic! All the people running and screaming. Oh, and the looting, I almost forgot. It’s a glorious time for all. No? Just me?

Let’s say there is an asteroid hurtling towards Earth. This is the perfect time to plan a family vacation.

There are no lines at DisneyWorld when everyone is running for their life. (You know it’ll still be open cause there’s no way Disney would release their slaves … I mean cast members … when there’s money to be made.)

Chances are you’re going to die anyway, might as well enjoy your last few moments. You can scream in fear, or scream in fun!

Or, you’ve just crashed into an iceberg and the ship’s going down. This is the perfect opportunity for you to show off your breaststroke. You’ve always wanted to swim with the dolphins anyway, haven’t you?

The world is going to end. Worrying about it isn’t going to change that fact. If stressing isn’t going to help the situation, don’t waste the energy. Enjoy life as it comes … and ends.

A catastrophic event? That sounds horrible! The amount of responsibility that comes with these kinds of things is never an easy one, but is needed in order to save as many humans from panic and (gulp) death, as possible.If the Devil is behind this action, we’re going to need to pray. Hard. After that, you’ll have to scan your surroundings and evaluate the damage.

How many women will you need to round up to collect babies and pile them at higher ground?

Are there young kids who can squeeze into tiny crawlspaces and rescue trapped pets?

And finally, are there enough strong men who can use their testosterone to move rubble and search and rescue.

When everyone is safe and taken care of (food, water, shelter, warmth), it’s time to begin the most important work of all: spreading hope and putting a stopper to crime.

If abandoned stores are being broken into, kindly ward off these hooligans with a respectful, yet forceful swat. If this doesn’t work, threaten the status of their eternal life.

The main point is that a catastrophic event is not the end, so remain composed. Sure, this might be the most terrifying few minutes, hours, or days of your life, but how you act STILL impacts what comes after it’s all gone — and it’s just about time to put your true self to the test!

Start preparing your large-scale emergency kit now – everyone is going to depend on you soon!

Got Questions? We got answers.
We will be offering advice on ANY topic from two different points of view.
Send your questions to: commuter@linnbenton.edu

By Shoulder Angel & Shoulder Devil

Got questions? We got answers. Dear Conscience is a humorous advice column, and the Commuter's very own Shoulder Angel and Devil will offer advice on ANY topic. Send your questions to Commuter@LinnBenton.edu!

What do you think?